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Thursday, 17 September 2009

Monday, 24 August 2009

  • new blog...a rant more like it...

    hmmm...it's about time i write on this....again. lol

    seems like years has passed (which probably has), i feel like my english has gone down because of all the southern speaking retards here in the south...>_> stupid florida. im still working at this restaurant for like 3 seasons now....and it sucks shit. im planning on not going back to work there if they lay me off for the winter. because that's bull shit. so! ....lots of things has happened....got hooked on to WoW...=( , met some new people, tried to make friends but end up not fitting in because i just dont drink around people i dont know. even though we work together, i just cant see myself drinking myself stupid infront of people i work with. sorry but that's going down to stupidity because anything can happen once that does happen. then drama breaks out. no thank you! i dont need that!

    and that's why i dont have much friends here. maybe about 4 or so...i guess that's good enough. but it's not like we hang out or anything. it's either im too busy or they are saving their days for someone else who treats them bad or who spoils them for the time being...=( i feel used just like before i even moved down here. i guess no matter where you go, everyone is the same.

    hmmm what else...oh, im working on a diet...it's basically a lazy diet as of now. lol im eating a lot less then how i normally eat. ive lose about 20 or so lbs...i havent weighed myself lately so im not sure if i lost or gained any. i need to start toning up. that's all i need to work on right now and walking/jogging/running. im letting my hair grow out some more...

    im working on my sewing. sewed some pandas, bears and a rabbit head. so far so good. im still trying to decide how to make the body. right now im confused on how to make it. because it's just not making sense to me. more like, it's not turning out how i want it to. and im getting frustrated because of it. im also working on my comic that ive been trying to do for the pass 3 years. =( so far...still no motivation, but...i think i found something that will keep my fire lit for the time being. and i hope it will grow bigger as time goes by.

    i cant wait to not have to go to that job anymore. as of now, i know this stuff animal making thingy will help me out a lot. it just bothers me because i feel like, ive been putting soo much stuff off because i want to do other things. and it makes me sad knowing that i never do finish what i started because i want to do soo much in so little time. i feel sooo useless!!! T-T

    im hooked on facebook more then anything else. all those apps that they have. omgawd it's pretty fucked up. lol im actually beginning to hate myself...physically and mentally...i feel like there's a wall holding me back. like, if i do something, i'll hurt someone in the process of doing it to get to where i want to be or finish what i started. from what he says, it's pointless. it's a pointless cause, reason, thing to do/finish. that right there, kills my motivation for other things. if i dont get a warm up before doing a project...then i wont do it. even if the warm up takes forever to finish, it'll pump me up for the real thing. but apparently it's a waste of time. it makes me feel useless...

    i must sound emo right now. but i know im not all together at the moment. i feel like im missing parts of my old self. i dont want the bad part of me to come back, it's just i feel like im missing my important parts of myself. maybe it's just all in my head...or maybe it's just how everyone is treating me. i honestly do feel like ive been pushed around many choices and only some has real meaning to it. and if i pick the wrong choices, i would end up unhappy. and some of the choices are not fair. for example, if i do something but i get in trouble for it. but if someone else does it, it's okay, they get away with it.

    that's how it is at this job. and sometimes where im at right now. and when i do point out that unfairness, they throw it back at me like it never happened. like i was never yelled at for doing/not doing that. it's just so fucked up. and when i want to be alone, it's bad. and when i dont want to be alone, it's still bad. everyone and i mean FUCKEN EVERYONE avoids me. bubbie...eh...so-so...but he does it without knowing...i tell him i hate it how he watches movies or shows or plays video games or reads a manga with me in the room. but it's him enjoying it. not me. what am i suppose to do? enjoy watching him do that? just sit there and watch him? what if i dont want to read a manga? what if i dont want to watch that movie or show or play that video game? well i just dont do it. then i say youre not spending time with me. and he gets mad. he says he is by being in the same room with me. i guess that is spending time together...but...im not enjoying it because im not enjoying it. i thought spending time together is where you show some attention to each other.

    this makes me sad...i love bubbie soo much. but sometimes he can be really conceded and doesnt see it, then says i am. i think..i might just need a good cry and get over things. ive been hold in a lot of crap from tons of things that's happened. bubbie hits me hard with the guilt trips...omgawd...worst then my mom. i wish i could say more, but it's best not to. i have a feeling tomorrow wont be a good day...=( wish me luck.

Saturday, 09 February 2008

Thursday, 18 October 2007

Sunday, 01 October 2006

supa_chibi_neko

  • Visit supa_chibi_neko's Xanga Site
    • Name: Neko
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    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/3/2004

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  • So much shit has happen it's not even funny. because nothing really happened...it's just that fucked up. im still alive and kicking...so much stuff is happening, im feeling kinda depressed...=(

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